My Girls

They sit next to me
I can’t look at them very long or I’ll get the question
Why are you looking at me???
I can’t tell them in that moment my heart is exposed
But beating so beatifically to their rhythm
Their joys, frustrations and aspirations.
I remember when I was their age once
I see my mother’s eyes looking at me then too
That look
I wish you happiness, peace and love.
You will always be loved.
Don’t forget your worth
Bring it into every room you are in
And remember to share your story
Because you have so much to share.

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Messages

Feeling the yearning for you and your voice today.
You and Dad and your presence here on Earth.
I lose my breath when I acknowledge you are both gone.
The loss is too immense,
How to hold it in my heart,
And still carry on about my day…
Where are you?
Some say you are in Heaven
What is Heaven?
Some place of peace and joy, I hope.
I rest easy knowing you are out of pain finally.
You are free!
You and Dad are free.
I see you both laughing now
With feelings of unimaginable joy,
And finally reunited.
I know you are both in cahoots
Sending all your five children
Messages daily to remind us
that you are here,
You are with us.
I see you high fiving each other
After one of you has sent a really good message;
A message so good that In our mortal
Souls we can’t help but know you are with us.
Please never leave and be available
In our back pockets
So that we can feel you
When we need it most.

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What will you do?

The love is not lost, oh no it’s not
It’s only misplaced for awhile
Can you pick it up? Can you look at it?
Yes, it’s full of hurt and bitterness
But it will lift again.
Now my heart says it hurts with the feeling of longing and sadness
What a sweet treasure you gave to your grandchildren
Unconditional love and acceptance at any second
My head turns inside, my mind remembers you
What happens to time and to joy and to loss?
It’s all there my dear, it’s all there
A mark in time is not diminished by death
Can you hold in your heart the deep love for someone
And yet also so let go of what they chose?
Yes, this deserves my attention
I will think hard on it, I will pray about it
And in the end, I know I must accept and release or
I will suffer. Who determines the outcome?
With my breath I know I am OK, I am safe.
Do you know that?
What will you do?

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I Didn’t Get to Say Goodbye

I embraced you
thinking I’d see you again
But fate took hold and pulled you from us.
Why didn’t I say goodbye?
I wanted to thank you for all that you’ve done for me in my life.
The late-night discussions about basketball and my performance.
The traveling to and from games and the support you quietly gave me.
The ups and downs of young life and facing depression.
The loss of my father and your husband to suicide.
My brain goes back in time, and I see your smiling face
I see your hard work, the clean house and warm meals waiting for me.
Your courage as a female business owner was a shining bright light.
Your tenacity never failed, even when I wasn’t pleased with it.
I am living your life now as I raise my own children and show up for them.
But still, I didn’t get to say goodbye.
I thought I’d have more time;
You had other ideas.
Your heart said enough.
If I could have, I would have said thank you, thank you for sacrificing so much for me.
Thank you for taking care of me.
Thank you for being my cheerleader and believing in me.
Thank you for fighting for your life to live longer.
Bitterness melts away now
I forgive you for dying and leaving, but I am also
Grateful for how you chose to be a witness to my life.
Dear mother, you who brought me into this world with so much love
Help me to let you leave this world with my heart fuller,
A heart saddened but undeniably expanded.

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The Yearning

I begin again,
Oh sweet soul how do you feel?
Sit beside me now and speak.
I respond with pondering this Life.
Living it is like being inside of a square
All the angles lead you on different paths
And guide you towards a direction
Somehow though we don’t see our way
Always wanting someone to tell us
“what is the right way?”
Yearning, searching, waiting to finally arrive
At the place we envision
The place we know we should be
This human condition
Of never being satisfied with what is
I too am sick of advise that tells us
To just embrace the now…
What if Now sucks???
I can’t tell you your way
But my way entangles love,
Pain, loss, fear and joy.
And of course that yearning
Maybe someday the yearning
Will settle down.
Maybe she will make peace with what is
And all that she truly has.

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This is Grief

It’s harsh at first, takes your breath away and brings you to your knees
You go on throughout your day and then you remember
Their voice, their laugh, the form of their mouth, their essence
How is it that the world carries on?
Don’t they know that everything is forever changed and will never be the same?
Of course we are never ready for it,
But you can’t prepare for death, even if you know it’s coming because you don’t really know until it finally occurs and you feel it in your bones.
Missing them doesn’t stop,
It’s like swimming in the ocean,
with your body going under each wave again and again,
you come up for air and breathe for the moment
knowing, it will come back again.
Each day is long and yet you have reasons to live.
What gives your life meaning now?
Your precious family, friends or your life’s work….does it all really matter?
Of course it does, this is all that matters.
This and your solid soul remembering to live.
Even with loss, immense loss, we must live.
Even when we don’t want to, even when it feels too hard.
What measure do we provide of the love we received from them to give up now?
Yes, we must live to show others how we have been forever changed by those who’ve gone before us.
We must pass it on.

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